I was sitting at my desk reading emails on my computer. The door to my home office suddenly opened and my wife entered. Her eyes shouted fear and her hand was wrapped in bloody tissues. She said with tumbling voice, “I cut my finger.”

PD has made cutting an apple difficult for my wife. She sticks a knife in the apple. Instead of pushing down on the knife through the apple, she pounds the apple with the knife sticking in it on a cutting board. I sit in my home office, and I know when she is cutting an apple in the kitchen… thud, thud, thud on the cutting board… as she tries to cut through the apple. I thought it was because of a dull knife. So, I sharpened it to make it easier for her. I knew a sharp knife would be more dangerous. It was. She sliced her finger open while trying to cut out the core of the apple.

She entered with a face of distress and her hand wrapped in a bloody tissue. I was afraid to look at her hand. I led her to the bathroom and had her sit down. I did not have any rolled gauze or pads. I cut up an old t-shirt. I took off the bloody tissues. I looked at the finger. I calmed down. She calmed down. I washed off the blood. I wrapped strips of the old t-shirt around the finger and hand. I wrapped first aid tape around the cloth strips. I said, “First, we stop the bleeding. Use your good hand to put pressure on the bleeding finger and elevate it.”

Why am I writing about this incident?

I’m trying to interpret the feeling I had in the moment I saw the fear in her eyes and the bloody hand. That flash of feeling was not just compassion. It was fear. I felt anticipatory grief. In a moment I thought about how I would feel if she died. My heart would sink in pain. I felt loss. In that moment I felt deep love for her. That’s love.

If you are a caretaker of a spouse with PD then you need to be prepared for accidents. They will happen. My wife had a car accident. My wife fell and broke her front teeth. You cannot panic. Respond as a peaceful reassuring presence to sooth your spouse’s anxiety and his/her feelings of frustration and self-condemnation. You should not devalue your spouse’s dignity with blame or shame. Let love rule the accident. Let love heal the moment.

We are saved by love.

Viktor Frankl was marching down icy road at night with other prisoners from the Nazi death camp. One prisoner said, “If our wives could see us now! I do hope they are better off in their camps and don’t know what is happening to us.” This caused Frankl to think about his wife. His mind clung to his wife’s image. He heard her speaking to him, smiling at him. “Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun, which was beginning to rise.”

“A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life, I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still my know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved.” (Man’s Search For Meaning: an Introduction to Logotherapy)

In the most despicable Nazi death-camp conditions, Frankl found temporary relief of suffering through and in human love. Love enabled him to “know bliss” and escape the physical suffering he was experiencing. Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire because God is love. 1 John 4:16: So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

Frankl did not fully grasp the truth he saw. The Bible affirms that the salvation of mankind is through love and in love. John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” We are saved by the love of God.

Parkinson’s tests love. But it also reveals the saving power of love. Parkinson’s is healed through and in love – the love of the caretaker, the love of family, the love of a PD support group, and most importantly the love of God. The salvation of my wife with Parkinson’s is through love and in love. I am learning the truth that love is the ultimate and highest goal. Loving God and my wife is the ultimate and highest goal to which I can aspire.

Chief Chaplain Don Fuller at the Veterans Administration Medical Center told a story at chapel service Sunday. The story was from the previous chief chaplain who had an autistic son with inability to speak clearly. They had to leave a church because the church could not accept the son. The father questioned God, “Why did you give me an autistic son?” One day the father was working in his garden. His autistic son walked up to him and said with clear speech, “God gave me to you so you would learn to love more deeply.” The father was shocked! After speaking clearly, the son reverted to his autistic speech.

The Spirit of God spoke to me in the story. I have been asking a similar question, “God, why is this happening to Sandie? Why are you allowing this to happen? I know you could heal her brain with a word, so why?”

So, I thought, “God, is that the reason for Sandie’s Parkinson’s? Is it so I can learn to love more deeply? I have been made aware of my selfish impatience and anger. 1 Corinthians 13 says love is patient and kind, and I have not been patient and kind toward Sandie. But how is that fair to Sandie? You give her a disease so I can learn to love more deeply… how is that loving her? She doesn’t like having Parkinson’s. It’s a burden for her. If you really loved her then you would heal her.” I said this and asked the questions of God as I was walking around my neighborhood.

Then I heard the Spirit whisper in my mind, “It’s about love.” I questioned again, “I can see how it’s about love for me, but how is it about love for her?” The Spirit answered, “You are learning to love more deeply. She is feeling your love more deeply.” I said, “So for her it’s about feeling loved by me. I’m giving more and she’s receiving more.”

I now realize the reason is love for both of us. For me it is to love more deeply; to love my wife as Christ loved the church. For Sandie it is to FEEL LOVED more deeply by me. According to the five love languages, I know the way she feels loved is “acts of service”. I am doing more acts of service to help her, so I am speaking her love language a lot more now. She frequently says, “I am so grateful for you.”

This reflection is about my reaction to my wife’s diagnosis of PD. PD has revealed something about me I dislike and needs to be changed. It has also revealed the healing power of love.

My wife, Sandie, was experiencing mysterious symptoms a year ago. She went to a neurologist who diagnosed her with Essential Tremor. She took medication that did not do anything for her. A friend at church told her about a Chinese neurologist who had a new treatment called TMS (TMS = transcranial magnetic stimulation). This neurologist immediately diagnosed her with Parkinson’s. The Chinese neurologist works with Parkinson’s patients and recognized the symptoms. The new diagnosis caused fear but also relief to get the correct diagnosis.

Parkinson’s has been a test of faith for both of us. Sandie’s struggle with Parkinson’s has revealed my impatience and unkindness. Bible says love is patient and kind, and I have not always been patient and kind with Sandie’s struggles. This reveals my selfishness. Sandie will often ask me to help her to do something, like cooking, open a bottle for her, or help her dress. I get impatient because she asks me when I am doing “my own thing”. She texted me at work one day to tell me she made a big mess trying to make a smoothy in a blender. She was making the smoothy with a lot of calories to gain weight. She requested my help to make a smoothy for her when I got home. When I worked with her to make the smoothy I became impatient and showed it. At first, I supervised her as she tried to add ingredients to the smoothy and spilled. I became impatient teaching her to do it an easier way. I said, “Why can’t you see there is an easier way to do this? You can’t see there’s an easier way. How is that related to Parkinson’s?” Sandie went to the bedroom and cried. She cried because of her inability, loss of coordination, and I was a selfish impatient jerk. Her Parkinson’s has revealed that I can be a selfish impatient jerk.

One the other hand, it has also deepened our love for each other. When I make her cry because I am an impatient jerk, I apologize and hold her and say, “I’m sorry. I was impatient. It’s not your fault. You can’t help it. I love you.” She says, “I’m so thankful for you. I love you.” That touches me and makes me cry. So, we cry together and reaffirm our love for each other.

I will write more about the healing power of love in future posts.

I will start writing about Parkinson’s. My wife Sandie was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease (PD). We have been married 34 years. I will write about how PD has affected our relationship. What does it mean for our relationship? How does it impact our children? We are Christians who believe in the goodness of God. So, I must also write about the question everyone asks who believes in the power and goodness of God and experiences PD or any debilitating disease: Why? “God, why is this happening to my wife?” “God, if you have a good purpose and plan, then what is it?”

I have written several “reflections” on love and PD while I am serving as a chaplain resident at a veteran’s medical center. I will include these insights and “revelations” from the Spirit.

I read Psalm 46:10 in the Bible I have used since I was a teenager. It is a New American Standard Reference Edition printed in 1975, the year I graduated from high school. Psalm 46:10: “Cease striving and know that I am God.” The footnote for “Cease” is “Or, Let go, relax.” I wonder if that’s what the Hebrew really means! God says, “Let go, relax, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Here’s the point: If you really want to KNOW God, then let go and relax. Stop trying to control everything. Your human insecurity makes you strive to be in control. Cease striving. Stop trying to control what you cannot control. When you let go of control and relax in God’s love, then you will KNOW God. When you let go of control then God can work to bless you with His good purpose and plan. If you must be in control, then God’s love and power are limited in their effect to bless you. Cease striving and you will KNOW God is God. This “KNOW” is not just facts about; it is experiential knowledge. I can know facts about someone by reading his/her bio on Facebook. If I spend time with him/her in person, then I will have experiential knowledge. So, if you want to KNOW God, then let go of control, relax, and let God work out all things according to His good will (Romans 8:28).  

I am serving as a chaplain resident at a VA medical center with three other residents and a supervisor. We had a COVID-19 outbreak among us. Two residents and the supervisor had symptoms and tested positive. They must quarantine. The situation was out of my control. I thought I would not be able to work at the VA for two weeks. I read Psalm 46:10 and knew I had to let go and relax and know God. I prayed and God answered. (I have daily prayed Psalm 91 and believed God’s promise.) I was able to get a COVID test in one day and the result was negative. God says, “Cease striving, let go and relax, and know that I am God.” The more I let go and let God work the more I experience His love and power.

[Note: Letting go of control does not mean I do not do my part. I pray, do what I can do, and trust God with the result. I had to make some phone calls to find a place to get COVID tested, drive there, wait in the line, and have a long cotton swab stuck up my nose.]

While hiking in the forest, I meditated on Psalm 139. The Psalm answered two questions I thought at 4:30 in the morning. First question: Does God “hear” my thoughts? (I know he hears my spoken prayers, but does he hear when I’m praying with my thoughts?) Second question: Have all the events of my past 65 years been God’s plan or did I make choices that frustrated and changed God’s “perfect” plan? (I am referring to Proverbs 19:21.) First question answered: Psalm 139:2: “You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.” Yes, God hears the prayers I think at 4:30 in the morning when my mind is awake. Second question answered: Psalm 139:16: “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” God wrote the story of my life in His book before I was formed in my mother’s womb. Therefore, what I think were my own choices were actually God’s choices for me. God put the plan and the desire in my mind and heart and opened the door of opportunity. I did not mess up God’s plan. My desire and plan to work at a Christian camp in Hawaii after earning my Master of Divinity was not a selfish choice, but a day ordained for me and written in God’s book before my body was formed in my mother’s womb. That means that where I am and what I’m doing now was written in God’s book before I was born. Trust in the Father’s good purpose and plan.

The Lord’s Prayer: Matthew 6:9-13
(Personalized with scripture references)

My Father who is in heaven. (John 14:1-11)
Thank you for giving Your one and only Son. (John 3:16)
By Your great love You have made me Your child. (1 John 3:1)
May Your Father’s love be perfected in my heart and mind
and remove all fear of condemnation and judgement.
(Romans 8:1; 1 John 4:16-18)
May Your holy name be honored in my life, my actions, my speech, today.
(Leviticus 11:44-45; 1 Peter 1:14-16)
May Your kingdom come. Maranatha, come Lord Jesus!
You have made me a citizen of Your kingdom,
and I live under the authority and protection of Your kingdom today.
(Ephesians 2:19; Philippians 3:20-21)
May Your will be done on earth today as it is in heaven.
May Your will be done in my life today
according to the good purpose and plan You have in heaven
to bless me and make me a blessing to others. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Supply all my needs today
(spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, financial)
as I seek first Your kingdom and righteousness. (Matthew 6:33)
Cleanse any bitterness and resentment from my heart,
and forgive my sins as I forgive anyone who has sinned against me.
(Matthew 6:14-15; Hebrews 12:15)
Do not lead me into trials today,
but lead me into the abundant life you promised. (John 10:10-11)
Do not allow me to be tested beyond what I am able to resist,
but empower me to remain steadfast amid every trial.
(James 1:12-15; Matthew 4:1-11 & Luke 4:1-13; 1 Corinthians 10:13)
Deliver me from all temptations of the world
and the fearmongering lies and schemes of the Evil One.
(1 John 2:16; John 8:44; Ephesians 6:10-17)
The kingdom, the power, and the glory belong to You
and will one day fill the new heavens and earth.
(Habakkuk 2:14; Revelation 21)

The Lord’s Prayer: Matthew 6:9-13
My Father who is in heaven.
Thank you for giving Your one and only Son.
By Your great love You have made me Your child.
May Your Father’s love be perfected in my heart and mind
and remove all fear of condemnation and judgement.
May Your holy name be honored in my speech and actions today.
May Your kingdom come. Maranatha, come Lord Jesus!
You have made me a citizen of Your kingdom.
I live under the authority and protection of Your kingdom today.
May Your will be done on earth today as it is in heaven.
May Your will be done in my life today
according to the good purpose and plan You have in heaven
to bless me and make me a blessing to others.
Supply all my needs today
(spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, financial)
as I seek first Your kingdom and righteousness.
Cleanse any bitterness and resentment from my heart.
Forgive my sins as I forgive anyone who sinned against me.
Do not lead me into trials today,
but lead me into the abundant life you promised.
Do not allow me to be tested beyond what I am able to resist,
but empower me to remain steadfast amid every trial.
Deliver me from all temptations of the world
and the fearmongering lies and schemes of the Evil One.
The kingdom, the power, and the glory belong to You
and will one day fill the new heavens and earth.

Praying the Psalms (with NT fulfillment and commentary):

Psalm 103:1-5: A Psalm of God’s Lovingkindness and Compassion

Here is my New Testament enhanced version of Psalm 103:1-5:

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me,
from my innermost being, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and do not forget any of the LORD’s benefits
for those who love and fear Him.
The LORD’s promised benefits are yours
by the finished work of the Messiah, Jesus Christ.
Who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases
by the sacrificial atonement of the Messiah, Jesus Christ.
Who redeems your life from the grave
by the bodily resurrection of the Messiah, Jesus Christ.
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion,
the same lovingkindness and compassion
that keeps the LORD faithful to old and new covenants.
Who satisfies your desires with the good things He has created,
so that the vision and strength of your youth is renewed
like an eagle maturing into its full color and strength.

What is Hebrew meaning of “benefits”?

Hebrew (Orthodox Jewish Bible): Barachi (Bless) Hashem, O my nefesh (soul); and all that is within me, bless His Shem kodesh (Name holy). ² Barachi Hashem, O my nefesh, and forget not all His gmulim (benefits).

The Hebrew noun means “recompense, reward, benefit.” It comes from the Hebrew verb gamal “to deal fully or adequately with, deal bountifully with” (Psalm 13:6). The wicked receive a very different “benefit” from the righteous. The wicked receive “recompense” for their wicked deeds. The noun is translated “recompense or repay” in Psalm 28:4, 94:2; Proverbs 19:17. The righteous receive forgiveness of sins and healing of diseases from God’s lovingkindness and compassion. (Hebrew “diseases” tachalu = disease, sickness, pain. It may be derived from a Semitic root word for rust that deteriorates metal, so may refer to anything that corrupts the body – disease – and the soul – unforgiveness and bitterness.)

How do we receive these benefits? Have we appropriated these promised benefits by faith? We have no doubt God forgives all our sins because Christ paid our sin penalty. Why don’t we also believe God heals all our diseases?

Forgiveness of sins, “spiritual healing,” is primary. Psalm 103:10-12 emphasizes forgiveness of sins. We have continual forgiveness even after we are “saved” because we still sin (1 John 1:9). Healing of diseases is secondary. Just as we still sin after we are saved, we still get sick living in this world under the curse of sin, but there is provision for forgiveness and physical healing. I see indirect references to healing in the fact that God knows our bodies are made of dust and He is compassionate (103:13-16).

All the benefits Christians receive come through Jesus Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:20: For every one of God’s promises in “Yes” in Jesus Christ. Therefore, through Him we also say “Amen” to the glory of God. Christ has purchased with His blood our spiritual and physical healing. Both are provided for in the atonement of Christ. Read Isaiah 53:4-5 and Matthew 8:14-17. Matthew quoted Isaiah 53:4 and applied it only to deliverance from demons and healing of sicknesses. “Jesus took upon Himself our illnesses and carried away our diseases.” There’s no mention of forgiveness of sins which is how it is normally interpreted.

1 Peter 2:24: He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. Peter applied Isaiah 53:4-5 to forgiveness of sins and physical healing. The “wounds” may refer to the scourging or crucifixion scars. The Greek word for “healed” generally refers to physical illness but can be used for restoration from a state of sin and condemnation.

Read Isaiah 61:1-2a and Luke 4:16-21. Jesus’ messianic claim at the Nazareth synagogue is immediately followed by physical healing and deliverance from demons. So, deliverance from demons and physical healing are evidence of Christ as Messiah with authority to forgive sins. (Read Luke 5:17-26.)

Both benefits are received the same way – by grace through faith. How do we receive forgiveness of sins? By grace through faith and not works (Ephesians 2:8-9). How do we receive physical healing? By grace through faith and not works. There are two physical healing extremes to avoid. First, cessationism which teaches God does not do physical healing anymore. It was only a sign for Jesus and the Apostles. Second, “works faith” which says, “You do not have enough faith!” Healing, like forgiveness of sins, is received by grace through faith and not works. It is a gracious gift of Christ’s compassion. Never lay guilt or condemnation on a suffering person. God does not punish his faith children with sickness.

The benefits of Psalm 103 are fulfilled in Jesus Christ and are ours by faith.

First, Jesus performs physical healing today because of his compassion and mercy: Matthew 9:35-38, 14:14, 15:32; Mark 1:40-42 (Jesus said, “I will” and touched a leper). Second, Jesus performs physical healing today to confirm what is unseen, the kingdom God and forgiveness of sins: Luke 5:17-26, 9:1-2, 10:1-12. This happens frequently with my friend’s ministry The Elijah Challenge which focuses on Christ’s Great Commission.

[Note: Faith is necessary to receive God’s benefits: Hebrews 11:6. The benefits are received the same way, but the result may be different. Sometimes persevering “mountain-moving faith” is required for healing. See Matthew 9:20-22; Luke 8:42-48; Matthew 17:20. Jesus identified “little/weak faith,” Matthew 8:26 & 14:31, and “great/strong faith,” Matthew 8:10 & 15:28, based on a person’s understanding of who He was and His authority. There is a Greek word for “little faith” = oligopistos. There is always room to increase faith: Luke 17:5.]

Conclusion: Forgiveness of sins and physical healing are provided for in the atonement of Christ. Both benefits are received by GRACE through faith and not works.

What pit have I been redeemed from?

Hebrews V4 (OJB): Who is the Go’el (Redeemer) of your life from shachat (corruption, pit, grave); Who crowns you with chesed and rachamim.

This is God’s promise of bodily resurrection. God will redeem our bodies from corruption in the grave. This promise is true and certain because Jesus Christ was raised from death and said, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live.” (John 11:25-26) The ultimate healing of all diseases is when our bodies are redeemed from the grave by bodily resurrection.

What does it mean to be crowned with lovingkindness and compassion?

God’s lovingkindness is emphasized in Psalm 103. It is the Hebrew word chesed = lovingkindness. I prefer covenant love or loyalty. The Psalm emphasizes the LORD’s lovingkindness (vs. 8, 11, 17). The LORD has abundant, immeasurable, and eternal lovingkindness for those who fear Him. It is the steadfast love that keeps God faithful to His covenants with people. Deuteronomy 7:9: Know therefore that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments.

Most English versions use “crowns.” Some use “surrounds” and the meaning is “encircles for protection.” God “crowns” the year with His bounty (Ps. 65:11). Psalm 8:5: Mankind was created lower than angels, but “crowned” with glory and honor because mankind was created in the image of God.

How would you feel if someone put a gold crown on your head? The act of crowning means value and dignity. When God puts a crown of lovingkindness and compassion on your head that means you are of great value to Him. You are the precious object of His lovingkindness and mercy.

How is youth renewed like an eagle?

An eaglet passes through several stages of growth until it becomes mature. At about 5 years old the eaglet sheds its first feathers and grows its mature feathers. This is called “molting.” During the molting stage the eagle looks sickly and weak. The eagle is “renewed” as it grows into an adult with the white feathers of its head and tail and its yellow beak and eyes. When David wrote this Psalm, he meant when he remembered and appropriated the LORD’s benefits he was renewed in soul and body. David may have been weary and discouraged from his trials, but when he remembered, believed, and appropriated the LORD’s benefits, the LORD’s rewards for the righteous, he was renewed in body, soul, and spirit. The LORD makes you feel young again. The LORD restores the vision and strength of your youth.

[Note: Most Bible commentators affirm the first benefit “He pardons all your sins” immediately when you repent. They have doubts about the second benefit “He heals all your diseases.” One commentator wrote, “There is a difference between God’s handling of iniquity and of diseases.” His example is David’s sin with Bathsheba and the death of the child. David repented. “Forgiveness was immediate; but healing was denied, in spite of seven days of prayer and fasting (2 Samuel 12:13-23).” (Source: Tyndale OT Commentary, Derek Kidner, Psalms 73-150, p. 364.) I do not think this is an appropriate example as the death of the child was God’s judgment for David’s sin. God decreed the death of the child (12:14). I believe in God’s spiritual and physical healing until it is our time to die and be with Him.]