LOVE AGAIN?

Love Again: I miss Sandie body and soul. I feel like my body and soul need another tangible soulmate, another intimate connection. Thirty-eight years of intimate connection with a soulmate doesn’t just disappear when she’s gone. (Here’s a terrible analogy: maybe it’s like a soldier who has his legs blown off by an IED. He may feel his legs are still there and wonder if he could ever walk again. Eventually he will learn to walk with prosthetic legs.)  A well-intentioned Christian may say, “You have the Holy Spirit as your Helper. So why do you desire a tangible soulmate?” Why? Because the Holy Spirit is a spirit and I am a spirit in a body; I am a “living soul”. The HS can heal my spirit but my body needs physical touch to heal.

So, I wonder if I could ever love again, learn to love another woman as a soulmate, a wife. Would I need to forget about Sandie to love another woman? I cannot do that. But another soulmate would make life better: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12: 9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. A threefold cord includes the LORD as the central cord.

I see advantages to remaining single for the remainder of my life and I see advantages to living with another soulmate, if it’s the LORD’s will and He provides. So, I’ll wait and see. (Every time I sit next to an attractive mature woman at church I feel something and look to see if she’s wearing a wedding ring. Can’t fight the temptation!) Anyway… I’m 69! I don’t want to live past 80… unless I can still hike, ride my ADV bike, have enough money to cover basic expenses, and serve the LORD.

Missing Sandie: Loneliness

My wife of 38 years is in heaven. I think about her in heaven every day. Now there’s an empty space in my heart and time. The empty space in my heart is loneliness. Loneliness is a byproduct of grief. When you lose a person you loved and who loved you then you will feel loneliness. Loneliness is the feeling of being unloved. There is no loneliness in heaven because God is love (1 John 4). In heaven we will be embraced, enveloped, and satiated in the love of God. It will permeat every space in our glorified bodies and souls. If you think true love feels good to your body and soul now in this world under the curse of sin, then you will be completely overcome, “blown away”, by the love of God in heaven. (I loved falling in love with my wife, the feelings and excitement, but nothing compares to God in love with me.) We were created to live and move and have our being in God’s love (Acts 17:28). Only the Spirit of God can completely satisfy the need to be loved and heal all loneliness. Here’s a Bible verse for those who are experiencing grief and its lonliness: Psalm 34:18: The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

The empty space in my time is a new freedom. I am free from 24/7 caregiving. Free to do what? What does the Lord want me to do with the new freedom He’s given me? So, I’m seeking the LORD. What am I supposed to do now? The LORD has left me here without Sandie, so what is His will? What is my mission while I’m still in this world? I will continue serving as a hospital chaplain. It partially fills the empty space in my heart and time. I may serve again as a pastor if the LORD guides and provides.

Grief Reflections

Missing Sandie Reflections, Week 9: 

Friends Better Than Family: Proverbs 17:17: A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. This is hard to write. I don’t want to be critical. I am realizing Christian friends are more thoughtful and empathetic than family. I have received more condolences and care from Sandie’s and my Christian friends (from all the churches we’ve served) than from my in-laws. My in-laws from Sandie’s HK family visited her in 2024, but since she died, only one condolence response. My son-in-law and his family, nothing! (I hope this does not remain true.) I received a hand-written condolence card with scripture and a check from a friend I haven’t seen for twenty-five years! The meaning of the Proverb is when you’re in trouble or experiencing a loss you learn what family ties are for and who are really your friends. Unfortunately, family may not be faithful friends. Family may remain silent when you grieve. Family may even betray you (e.g., Jospeh and his brothers). It’s hard to let go of expectations. Release your expectations and you won’t struggle with bitterness and resentment. Release and heal your soul. The Spirit of God helps with this.

Second and Third Blessings of a Progressive, Incurable, Terminal Disease

Second blessing is that it is progressive. A progressive disease gives the patient and caregiver time to draw close to the Lord and experience His presence. The disease slowly disabled Sandie without pain. That’s mercy. I got to love and care for her every day. When Sandie became confined to a hospital bed, we watched Christian movies at night and “attended” Sunday worship at several churches from home.  I think a progressive disease with hospice care would be better than dying in an accident. As a chaplain I have dealt with husbands and wives shocked by the unexpected cardiac death of their spouses. An expected death is less traumatic than an unexpected accidental death. So, when I’m called to the ICU or ED for a death one of my first questions for the living spouse is “Was this expected or unexpected?” Grief is still real, but with Sandie’s progressive disease I went through the stages of grief several times during her final year in hospice. I was beside her the moment she breathed her last breath and it felt like painful relief. Pain from the grief, but relief that the struggle was over.

Third, the progressive nature of her disease made it a sanctifying experience for me.  Jesus gave me Sandie to sanctify me. “Every affliction comes with a message from the heart of God.” The message is sanctification. I struggled to accept and fully utilize the adversity for my growth in agape love. My sinfulness was revealed many times when I was impatient and angry. (I bear a keloid scar that reminds me of my sinfulness.) My growth in agape love was revealed when I was patient and kind as described in1 Corinthians 13. But I sometimes argued with the Lord: “If Sandie’s disease is about perfecting me, sanctifying my soul, then it isn’t fair. Why should she suffer to make me more in Your image?” – I now know the answer to my complaint: because I loved her. It’s all about agape love. The Lord used the wife I loved to show me my sin and perfect me in His love. “I’m afflicting the person you love to teach you about My love” doesn’t seem fair, but the Lord’s purpose is growth in agape love for the patient and caregiver.

The Blessing of a Progressive, Incurable, Terminal Disease, Part 1

This could be a description of growing old! We are all dying of a progressive, incurable, terminal disease which is the curse of sin upon creation and human lifespan. Sandie was 66 years old when she died. The peak of life is 33 years old. It’s a fast climb to 33 and then a slow descent to 66. (It’s a slow descent to however long you live after 33.) The last 3 years of her life were a rapid descent, but we experienced the blessing of a progressive, incurable, terminal disease. Good news! Sandie will be the equivalent of 33 years when I see her again in heaven and so will I. We will enjoy eternity in 33-year-old resurrection bodies!

How can a progressive, incurable, terminal disease be a blessing?

First blessing was learning how to pray for healing. How did I pray for Sandie during her 3-year struggle with her disease? I took her to a healing evangelist from India who travels around the USA and nothing happened. (I’ll name him: Ankit Rambabu. I’m not judging the validity of his ministry. Jesus is the judge.) She stood in the “healing line” and was touched by the evangelist; nothing happened. I didn’t see anyone get healed that night. At least one third of the meeting was about money. I gave all the cash in my wallet after the evangelist made his long appeal for money. I later realized I was trying to buy Sandie’s healing.

Later, I met a sincere person who told me to call a man with a “gift of healing”. I called and he commanded healing. He commanded and then asked if there was any movement in Sandie’s stiff legs and arms. Nothing. He hung up.   

We watched 700 Club many nights. There would be a time of healing prayer with “words of knowledge” spoken by Robertson and others. I noticed that all the “words of knowledge” for healing were about minor problems, something a person could go to a doctor for or get a prescription. (Of course, minor health problems can become big annoying problems for those who are suffering from them.) I waited for a “word of knowledge” about an incurable, terminal illness, like cancer, or a degenerative neurological movement disorder. Nothing. Only minor problems that were not life-threatening. (OK, there were a few who had life-threatening health problems like a guy who had cancerous tumors growing all over his body and he was healed, but 95% were minor problems.)

I prayed Psalm 103:1-5 over Sandie many times. I claimed the benefits Jesus paid for: “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit (of death).” We know the Lord forgives all our sins; therefore, He must also heal all our diseases. Her disease wasn’t healed. She’s in heaven now and received the healing Jesus paid for.

I’m growing weary of fake Christian triumphalism. I despise “name it and claim it” or “declare it” Christianity.

I gave up praying Psalm 103 toward the end and began praying for mercy. I didn’t have the faith to believe a miracle. I rolled her emaciated body every day. I changed her diapers. I pulled out her poop. I bandaged her smelly bed sores that went to the bone. When she died (not “passed away”) she was less than 100 pounds. I prayed for mercy. The Lord may deny healing while we live in this world under the curse of sin, but not mercy. You may not receive the healing you ask for, but you will receive mercy. Hebrews 4:14-16 is now my primary scripture when praying for healing of body and soul.

I gradually moved from “name it and claim it” abuse of promises to disillusionment and disbelief and then to surrender and trust in the Lord and His good purpose and plans. I appeal for mercy to the throne of grace of the Lord Jesus who has felt pain and suffering.

I prayed Job a lot. After Satan’s first attack, Job had a right attitude: “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” After Satan’s second attack on Job’s health, he started to complain. (There were times I complained during Sandie’s disease. Caregiving is stressful even if you are healthy.) But the Lord also restored all Satan stole and more when Job realized his own self-righteousness and forgive his accusers. (I always confessed my sins of impatience and anger. Now I am waiting for restoration.)

I am re-reading Adventures In Adversity (Paul E. Billheimer) about the sanctification of Job. If you are in adversity or affliction, then read it.

I’m working on Part 2.

Missing Sandie: Weeping

Grief is like a rollercoaster. I am crying and laughing at the same time. One minute I’m weeping and the next I’m rejoicing. The rejoicing comes from a secure HOPE. 1 Thessalonians 4:13: But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

Grief needs weeping. Weeping is necessary. Jesus wept with weeping friends (John 11). Weeping is to grief as a vent is to a pressure cooker. Weeping releases the loss and pain of grief. It is healing for the soul and even the body.

Weeping is unpredictable. I am an “on call” night chaplain. When someone dies between 5pm-8am I am “called back” to the hospital. Five days after Sandie went to heaven I was called to the hospital (8/10). I met with the family of the deceased patient and talked with the NOK. I asked if she was present when her mother died, the moment her mother’s spirit left her body. She was. I shared my experience of being with my wife when she died five days ago and how I saw her spirit leave her body. I started weeping! Then all the family members in the room were weeping.

We all wept together. Romans 12:15: Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

I don’t know when I will weep. Something will trigger the tears; a picture, a memory, a song, another person’s grief at his/her loss. I wept 3 months before Sandie died. I was driving around Big Bend NP while taking a respite from caregiving listening to satellite radio and John Denver’s Annie’s Song came on. I sang it and wept; it was “Sandie’s Song” for me. When the weeping is triggered, just let the tears flow. Don’t be embarrassed or try to “be strong”. Open the vent and let the pressure be released in tears.

Weeping is an expression of love. John 11:35-36: Jesus wept. So the Jews were saying, “See how He loved him!”  Love weeps.

Journey of Grief

Missing Sandie, Day 1: The value of a person’s life is not found in material things, houses, cars, bank accounts, or net worth; the value of a person’s life is found in who he or she believes in (i.e., Jesus Christ) and how he or she loves like Him. Jesus Christ owned nothing during His 33-year incarnation and demonstrated the greatest love. Jesus said to his disciples: John 15: 12 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you.”

Sandie loved like Jesus Christ with the “greater love”. She was His friend and did what He commanded. I kept my marriage vow. I kept my promise to Sandie: “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.” The only regret I have is that I didn’t say “I love you” more often. There were times during her long disease and the stress of caretaking that I was tempted to quit my vow, but the temptation was easy to resist. I knew if I broke my promise to her then I would live in regret, selfishness, and anger the rest of my life in this world. I would never be able to love like Jesus Christ. I loved her for 38 years and love doesn’t break a promise. God is the prime example of promise keeping and the Bible records it.     

The Lord’s Mercy at Death: August 5, 2025

I have been praying for several weeks for God to be merciful and take Sandie to heaven: “If it isn’t Your will to heal her, then have mercy and take her to be with You.” The Lord answered my prayer. The Lord has been merciful. She was never in pain throughout the three-year course of this disease, the gradual loss of movement, and then 24/7 confinement to a hospital bed at home. I had hoped she would make it to our 38th wedding anniversary 8/15 (8/15/1987) and then go to heaven. The Lord had other plans.  

I see Jesus’ mercy in her last days and moments in this world. The past couple nights we have watched several videos from Imagine Heaven Podcast with John Burke and some videos from AI Bible “Biblically Accurate Heaven” to prepare her for heaven. I even told her “You’ll be going there soon.”

I came awake around 5am and was conscious of a sound. I remember thinking, “What’s that sound?” It was different from the low humming of the pressure mattress of the hospital bed. I went back to sleep. I woke up at 7am and realized Sandie was making the sound. Her breathing was shallow, and her eyes were open. I looked into her eyes and for a moment she looked into my eyes. I think the Spirit of God put in my mind, “It’s the death rattle.” I called hospice care. She had a blank stare but was looking at something. I think she was getting a glimpse of eternity. I notified our children, and they joined a WhatsApp video call. They told their mom they loved her. She heard them. A few minutes later her spirit left her body. There was no breath, no pulse, dilated pupils without flinching, and her lips and arms were cold. I put my ear to her chest and heard no beat. Her spirit left her body while we all watched.

About 20 minutes later the hospice nurse arrived and pronounced her dead. (She helped with contacting All Texas Cremation and American Forensics. A sample of Sandie’s brain tissue will be sent to Mayo Clinic studying her specific neurological disorder – CBD & PSP).

Here’s how I see Jesus’ mercy. She could’ve passed away during the night and I would never have known. We would never have had a last moment with her. But the Lord waited until I woke up (a second time) and contacted our children so they could be with her at the last moment.

I can only imagine what she’s experiencing now!     

Scars of God

I am tempted to deny my faith because of my wife’s suffering. I struggle with her suffering, her emaciated body, and her slow death of an incurable disease. I struggle with bitterness and anger toward God. “Why is my wife suffering? Why are You allowing this to happen to her?”

What keeps me clinging to my faith by my fingernails is the God who has suffered and has the scars to prove it. No other gods of other religions have suffered in flesh and have scars to prove it, motivated by love.

I worship the God who has suffered.

I worship the God who has scars.

Jesus has scars on his hands, feet, and his side from crucifixion.

Messianic Psalm 22 foretold the scars. Psalm 22:16: For dogs have surrounded me; a band of evildoers has encompassed me; they pierced my hands and my feet.

The scars were not removed from Jesus’ resurrection body. Why was it important to retain the scars? (I hope my scars are removed from my resurrection body.) The scars are proof of Christ’s suffering. The scars were also proof Christ was not a ghost or spirit. The same body that was crucified was the same body resurrected.

Read JOHN 20: 19 On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being locked where the disciples were for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, “Peace be with you.” 20 When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Thomas didn’t believe his fellow disciples when they told him they saw Jesus alive and he said, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.”

Then: 26 Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve but believe.” 

Jesus’ hands, feet, and heart were pierced. His largest scar is the side scar. A Roman soldier thrust his spear under Jesus ribs and into his heart, blood and water poured out. JOHN 19: 33 But when they came to Jesus and saw that he was already dead, they did not break his legs. 34 But one of the soldiers pierced his side with a spear, and at once there flowed out blood and water.

Jesus also showed the scars on his feet where nails were driven through his heel or ankle bone.

Luke 24: 38 And he said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? 39 See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have.” 40 And when he had said this, he showed them his hands and his feet. 41 And while they still disbelieved for joy and were marveling, he said to them, “Have you anything here to eat?” 42 They gave him a piece of broiled fish, 43 and he took it and ate before them.

They are scars of love. If I risked my life to save you from an accident and got a scar while doing it, then it would be a scar from a sacrifice, a scar of love. If I were a fireman and rescued you from a burning building and got burned doing it, then it would be a burn scar from a sacrifice, a scar of love. Jesus’ scars are scars of sacrificial love.

Revelation proclaims “the Lamb who was slain” indicating Jesus retains the scars of His love in heaven. (See Revelation 5.)

Whenever I am tempted to disbelieve and shake my puny fist at God, I sing this song and the Spirit in my spirit overcomes my anger and makes me cry:

He who is to come
Christ the Son of man
Riding on the cloud with a crown upon His head
Every eye will see Him
With the nail scars in His hands
Hallelujah, Hallelujah!

I worship the God who has scars.

Suffering God

I’m tempted to quit my faith in God. Why does God allow my wife to die a slow death by an incurable disease? Why did God allow a river in the hill country of Texas to flood and drown 27 girls in a Christian camp? As the flood waters raged and swept away the terrified girls and many others, did Jesus command the angels not to interfere and save anyone and let them die horrible deaths by drowning? What about all the broken-hearted parents? What’s the difference between God doing something or allowing it to happen? Aren’t the results the same? There’s still suffering and death. Well, of course, our theology says God cannot do evil because that would make God evil. If God permits evil to happen, then we can say God isn’t evil. It’s convenient theology that allows us to believe God may achieve some greater good.

Yes, I’m tempted to quit my faith in God. I’m hanging on by a thread. That thread is NOT that faith is tested by trials and grows stronger, although I believe this to be true. That faith is NOT that God works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose, although I believe this to be true. That thread is that God has suffered. God allowed Himself to feel physical and emotional pain. God allowed Himself to suffer loss and death. Jesus suffered an excruciatingly painful death at the hands of evil people. (Read Isaiah 53.) Jesus’ suffering actually began when he became incarnate and entered this world under the curse of sin. (Read Philippians 2:3-9) My faith is in a God who has suffered. So, I’m not really hanging on to my faith by a thread. I’m hanging on hooked to a steel cable. Jesus Christ has felt suffering and pain and because He has suffered, He is able to intercede for us in our suffering. (Read Hebrews 4:14-16.) I worship the God who has suffered.