Tag: bible

Missing Sandie: Weeping

Grief is like a rollercoaster. I am crying and laughing at the same time. One minute I’m weeping and the next I’m rejoicing. The rejoicing comes from a secure HOPE. 1 Thessalonians 4:13: But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

Grief needs weeping. Weeping is necessary. Jesus wept with weeping friends (John 11). Weeping is to grief as a vent is to a pressure cooker. Weeping releases the loss and pain of grief. It is healing for the soul and even the body.

Weeping is unpredictable. I am an “on call” night chaplain. When someone dies between 5pm-8am I am “called back” to the hospital. Five days after Sandie went to heaven I was called to the hospital (8/10). I met with the family of the deceased patient and talked with the NOK. I asked if she was present when her mother died, the moment her mother’s spirit left her body. She was. I shared my experience of being with my wife when she died five days ago and how I saw her spirit leave her body. I started weeping! Then all the family members in the room were weeping.

We all wept together. Romans 12:15: Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

I don’t know when I will weep. Something will trigger the tears; a picture, a memory, a song, another person’s grief at his/her loss. I wept 3 months before Sandie died. I was driving around Big Bend NP while taking a respite from caregiving listening to satellite radio and John Denver’s Annie’s Song came on. I sang it and wept; it was “Sandie’s Song” for me. When the weeping is triggered, just let the tears flow. Don’t be embarrassed or try to “be strong”. Open the vent and let the pressure be released in tears.

Weeping is an expression of love. John 11:35-36: Jesus wept. So the Jews were saying, “See how He loved him!”  Love weeps.

The Lord’s Mercy at Death: August 5, 2025

I have been praying for several weeks for God to be merciful and take Sandie to heaven: “If it isn’t Your will to heal her, then have mercy and take her to be with You.” The Lord answered my prayer. The Lord has been merciful. She was never in pain throughout the three-year course of this disease, the gradual loss of movement, and then 24/7 confinement to a hospital bed at home. I had hoped she would make it to our 38th wedding anniversary 8/15 (8/15/1987) and then go to heaven. The Lord had other plans.  

I see Jesus’ mercy in her last days and moments in this world. The past couple nights we have watched several videos from Imagine Heaven Podcast with John Burke and some videos from AI Bible “Biblically Accurate Heaven” to prepare her for heaven. I even told her “You’ll be going there soon.”

I came awake around 5am and was conscious of a sound. I remember thinking, “What’s that sound?” It was different from the low humming of the pressure mattress of the hospital bed. I went back to sleep. I woke up at 7am and realized Sandie was making the sound. Her breathing was shallow, and her eyes were open. I looked into her eyes and for a moment she looked into my eyes. I think the Spirit of God put in my mind, “It’s the death rattle.” I called hospice care. She had a blank stare but was looking at something. I think she was getting a glimpse of eternity. I notified our children, and they joined a WhatsApp video call. They told their mom they loved her. She heard them. A few minutes later her spirit left her body. There was no breath, no pulse, dilated pupils without flinching, and her lips and arms were cold. I put my ear to her chest and heard no beat. Her spirit left her body while we all watched.

About 20 minutes later the hospice nurse arrived and pronounced her dead. (She helped with contacting All Texas Cremation and American Forensics. A sample of Sandie’s brain tissue will be sent to Mayo Clinic studying her specific neurological disorder – CBD & PSP).

Here’s how I see Jesus’ mercy. She could’ve passed away during the night and I would never have known. We would never have had a last moment with her. But the Lord waited until I woke up (a second time) and contacted our children so they could be with her at the last moment.

I can only imagine what she’s experiencing now!     

Scars of God

I am tempted to deny my faith because of my wife’s suffering. I struggle with her suffering, her emaciated body, and her slow death of an incurable disease. I struggle with bitterness and anger toward God. “Why is my wife suffering? Why are You allowing this to happen to her?”

What keeps me clinging to my faith by my fingernails is the God who has suffered and has the scars to prove it. No other gods of other religions have suffered in flesh and have scars to prove it, motivated by love.

I worship the God who has suffered.

I worship the God who has scars.

Jesus has scars on his hands, feet, and his side from crucifixion.

Messianic Psalm 22 foretold the scars. Psalm 22:16: For dogs have surrounded me; a band of evildoers has encompassed me; they pierced my hands and my feet.

The scars were not removed from Jesus’ resurrection body. Why was it important to retain the scars? (I hope my scars are removed from my resurrection body.) The scars are proof of Christ’s suffering. The scars were also proof Christ was not a ghost or spirit. The same body that was crucified was the same body resurrected.

Read JOHN 20: 19 On the evening of that day, the first day of the week, the doors being locked where the disciples were for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said to them, “Peace be with you.” 20 When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Thomas didn’t believe his fellow disciples when they told him they saw Jesus alive and he said, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.”

Then: 26 Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve but believe.” 

Jesus’ hands, feet, and heart were pierced. His largest scar is the side scar. A Roman soldier thrust his spear under Jesus ribs and into his heart, blood and water poured out. JOHN 19: 33 But when they came to Jesus and saw that he was already dead, they did not break his legs. 34 But one of the soldiers pierced his side with a spear, and at once there flowed out blood and water.

Jesus also showed the scars on his feet where nails were driven through his heel or ankle bone.

Luke 24: 38 And he said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? 39 See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have.” 40 And when he had said this, he showed them his hands and his feet. 41 And while they still disbelieved for joy and were marveling, he said to them, “Have you anything here to eat?” 42 They gave him a piece of broiled fish, 43 and he took it and ate before them.

They are scars of love. If I risked my life to save you from an accident and got a scar while doing it, then it would be a scar from a sacrifice, a scar of love. If I were a fireman and rescued you from a burning building and got burned doing it, then it would be a burn scar from a sacrifice, a scar of love. Jesus’ scars are scars of sacrificial love.

Revelation proclaims “the Lamb who was slain” indicating Jesus retains the scars of His love in heaven. (See Revelation 5.)

Whenever I am tempted to disbelieve and shake my puny fist at God, I sing this song and the Spirit in my spirit overcomes my anger and makes me cry:

He who is to come
Christ the Son of man
Riding on the cloud with a crown upon His head
Every eye will see Him
With the nail scars in His hands
Hallelujah, Hallelujah!

I worship the God who has scars.

Suffering God

I’m tempted to quit my faith in God. Why does God allow my wife to die a slow death by an incurable disease? Why did God allow a river in the hill country of Texas to flood and drown 27 girls in a Christian camp? As the flood waters raged and swept away the terrified girls and many others, did Jesus command the angels not to interfere and save anyone and let them die horrible deaths by drowning? What about all the broken-hearted parents? What’s the difference between God doing something or allowing it to happen? Aren’t the results the same? There’s still suffering and death. Well, of course, our theology says God cannot do evil because that would make God evil. If God permits evil to happen, then we can say God isn’t evil. It’s convenient theology that allows us to believe God may achieve some greater good.

Yes, I’m tempted to quit my faith in God. I’m hanging on by a thread. That thread is NOT that faith is tested by trials and grows stronger, although I believe this to be true. That faith is NOT that God works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose, although I believe this to be true. That thread is that God has suffered. God allowed Himself to feel physical and emotional pain. God allowed Himself to suffer loss and death. Jesus suffered an excruciatingly painful death at the hands of evil people. (Read Isaiah 53.) Jesus’ suffering actually began when he became incarnate and entered this world under the curse of sin. (Read Philippians 2:3-9) My faith is in a God who has suffered. So, I’m not really hanging on to my faith by a thread. I’m hanging on hooked to a steel cable. Jesus Christ has felt suffering and pain and because He has suffered, He is able to intercede for us in our suffering. (Read Hebrews 4:14-16.) I worship the God who has suffered.