Tag: christianity

LOVE AGAIN?

Love Again: I miss Sandie body and soul. I feel like my body and soul need another tangible soulmate, another intimate connection. Thirty-eight years of intimate connection with a soulmate doesn’t just disappear when she’s gone. (Here’s a terrible analogy: maybe it’s like a soldier who has his legs blown off by an IED. He may feel his legs are still there and wonder if he could ever walk again. Eventually he will learn to walk with prosthetic legs.)  A well-intentioned Christian may say, “You have the Holy Spirit as your Helper. So why do you desire a tangible soulmate?” Why? Because the Holy Spirit is a spirit and I am a spirit in a body; I am a “living soul”. The HS can heal my spirit but my body needs physical touch to heal.

So, I wonder if I could ever love again, learn to love another woman as a soulmate, a wife. Would I need to forget about Sandie to love another woman? I cannot do that. But another soulmate would make life better: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12: 9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. A threefold cord includes the LORD as the central cord.

I see advantages to remaining single for the remainder of my life and I see advantages to living with another soulmate, if it’s the LORD’s will and He provides. So, I’ll wait and see. (Every time I sit next to an attractive mature woman at church I feel something and look to see if she’s wearing a wedding ring. Can’t fight the temptation!) Anyway… I’m 69! I don’t want to live past 80… unless I can still hike, ride my ADV bike, have enough money to cover basic expenses, and serve the LORD.

The Lord’s Mercy at Death: August 5, 2025

I have been praying for several weeks for God to be merciful and take Sandie to heaven: “If it isn’t Your will to heal her, then have mercy and take her to be with You.” The Lord answered my prayer. The Lord has been merciful. She was never in pain throughout the three-year course of this disease, the gradual loss of movement, and then 24/7 confinement to a hospital bed at home. I had hoped she would make it to our 38th wedding anniversary 8/15 (8/15/1987) and then go to heaven. The Lord had other plans.  

I see Jesus’ mercy in her last days and moments in this world. The past couple nights we have watched several videos from Imagine Heaven Podcast with John Burke and some videos from AI Bible “Biblically Accurate Heaven” to prepare her for heaven. I even told her “You’ll be going there soon.”

I came awake around 5am and was conscious of a sound. I remember thinking, “What’s that sound?” It was different from the low humming of the pressure mattress of the hospital bed. I went back to sleep. I woke up at 7am and realized Sandie was making the sound. Her breathing was shallow, and her eyes were open. I looked into her eyes and for a moment she looked into my eyes. I think the Spirit of God put in my mind, “It’s the death rattle.” I called hospice care. She had a blank stare but was looking at something. I think she was getting a glimpse of eternity. I notified our children, and they joined a WhatsApp video call. They told their mom they loved her. She heard them. A few minutes later her spirit left her body. There was no breath, no pulse, dilated pupils without flinching, and her lips and arms were cold. I put my ear to her chest and heard no beat. Her spirit left her body while we all watched.

About 20 minutes later the hospice nurse arrived and pronounced her dead. (She helped with contacting All Texas Cremation and American Forensics. A sample of Sandie’s brain tissue will be sent to Mayo Clinic studying her specific neurological disorder – CBD & PSP).

Here’s how I see Jesus’ mercy. She could’ve passed away during the night and I would never have known. We would never have had a last moment with her. But the Lord waited until I woke up (a second time) and contacted our children so they could be with her at the last moment.

I can only imagine what she’s experiencing now!     

Suffering God

I’m tempted to quit my faith in God. Why does God allow my wife to die a slow death by an incurable disease? Why did God allow a river in the hill country of Texas to flood and drown 27 girls in a Christian camp? As the flood waters raged and swept away the terrified girls and many others, did Jesus command the angels not to interfere and save anyone and let them die horrible deaths by drowning? What about all the broken-hearted parents? What’s the difference between God doing something or allowing it to happen? Aren’t the results the same? There’s still suffering and death. Well, of course, our theology says God cannot do evil because that would make God evil. If God permits evil to happen, then we can say God isn’t evil. It’s convenient theology that allows us to believe God may achieve some greater good.

Yes, I’m tempted to quit my faith in God. I’m hanging on by a thread. That thread is NOT that faith is tested by trials and grows stronger, although I believe this to be true. That faith is NOT that God works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose, although I believe this to be true. That thread is that God has suffered. God allowed Himself to feel physical and emotional pain. God allowed Himself to suffer loss and death. Jesus suffered an excruciatingly painful death at the hands of evil people. (Read Isaiah 53.) Jesus’ suffering actually began when he became incarnate and entered this world under the curse of sin. (Read Philippians 2:3-9) My faith is in a God who has suffered. So, I’m not really hanging on to my faith by a thread. I’m hanging on hooked to a steel cable. Jesus Christ has felt suffering and pain and because He has suffered, He is able to intercede for us in our suffering. (Read Hebrews 4:14-16.) I worship the God who has suffered.