Tag: grief

Asking why for deeper revelation and healing

8/17/26: The Spirit gave me a further revelation on something I wrote August 2025. I made three points about the blessing of a progressive incurable disease. This is my third point, and I am rewriting and going a level deeper with the revelation.

Third, the progressive nature of her disease made it a sanctifying experience for me.  Jesus gave me Sandie to sanctify me. Marriage is a sanctifying experience, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. P Billheimer wrote, “Every affliction comes with a message from the heart of God.” The message is sanctification. I struggled to accept and fully utilize the adversity for my growth in agape love. My sinfulness was revealed many times when I was impatient and angry. (I bear a keloid scar that reminds me of my sinfulness.) My growth in agape love was revealed when I was patient and kind as described in1 Corinthians 13. But I sometimes argued with the Lord: “If Sandie’s disease is about perfecting me, sanctifying my soul, then it isn’t fair. Why should she suffer to make me more in Your image?”  I now know the answer to my complaint: because I loved her. It’s all about agape love. The Lord used the wife I loved to show me my sin and perfect me in His love. The HS said, “I am permitting the affliction of the person you love to teach you about My love.” This doesn’t seem fair, but the Lord’s purpose is growth in agape love for the patient and caregiver.

8/17/26: I questioned the Lord, “So, you allowed her sickness to perfect me. How is that fair? Why afflict her to make me more into your image and then take her to heaven?” The Lord spoke to my spirit, “She was ready to be with me. She had the character I desired. You were not there yet. She was perfected in my love. You were not. You needed more perfecting into my nature. You needed to be broken and refilled with my love, the fruit of my spirit.” (This was the significance of the water and the blood for cleansing and refilling.) I thought, “So, is your work in me finished? Am I living in the perfect love that casts out fear?” The Lord responded, “Not fully how I want you. It will not be finished until you see me face to face; it’s a process. However, I am sending someone else to be with you, and share in the perfection process, the perfect agape love that drives out fear. I am perfect love. There is no fear in Me. Fear is from the enemy. There will be no fear in you.”

(Note 1: For those of you who may wonder how I can have a conversation with God, it’s a relationship. If you are a true believer then the Holy Spirit (HS) lives in you. The HS is in your spirit and influences your heart and mind when you are surrendered to Him. Listen for the low whisper, the gentle voice. (1 Kings 19:11-13) Don’t be distracted by earthquake, wind, and fire. The LORD doesn’t shout at His children. He speaks from the Word and speaks within.

Note 2: I am also describing the process of sanctification. It is the process of being “conformed into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ.” Romans 8:28-30: And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover, whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified. Foreknowledge and predestination happen in eternity. Called, justified, and glorified happen in a moment. There is a lot of time and living between justified and glorified. (That’s 56 years for me so far.) What happens in between is being conformed into the likeness of Christ, sanctification. It’s the process whereby God lovingly breaks and remakes believers.)

3 Truths: Living with Purpose

This is the one-year anniversary of my wife’s homegoing to heaven, 8/5/25-8/5/26. I am learning 3 truths. I already posted T1 & T2.

T3: Living with Purpose Heals Grief: What has kept me from despair and paralysis has been living with purpose. I have something to live for. I was involved in two ministries while taking care of Sandie during her at-home hospice time. I could work as a PRN chaplain at night while she slept. I could temporarily get away from caretaker stress and serve as a visiting preacher to a west TX church while Sandie went to a medical lodge. (Hospice care allowed 5 days of caretaker respite every 30 days.) I still serve as a part-time chaplain and pastor since she has gone to heaven, her homegoing. While most widows and widowers would probably say the main motive to keep living is their children and grandchildren, that’s not true for me. (Currently I only have a relationship with 2 of my 4 children.) So, the main motive for me to keep living is purposeful ministry. It’s BEING a chaplain and pastor. (“Being” is identity and serving is the action that flows from being. I am a belove child of God with a purpose, a mission, an assignment to serve. That’s my main motive.)  Serving as a chaplain and pastor I can forget about myself while helping other people. Being the Lord’s son and serving Him is healing.

Sorrow turned to joy: John 16:20-22. Jesus told the disciples they would grieve His death, but then their sorrow would be turned to joy. Jesus compared it to a woman giving birth. The disciples felt sorrow and grief at Jesus’ death but then joy at His resurrection. After Jesus’ resurrection they were given a new purpose and the HS (Matthew 28:18-20). The resurrection, a new purpose, and the HS healed their grief. After the death of a spouse, you will have a season of sorrow and grief, but you have hope and know your spouse is in heaven. If the Lord took your spouse to be with Him, and left you in this world, then He has a purpose for you, a mission, an assignment. Seek Him to know it. Living with His purpose will heal your grief.

Hebrews 12:1-2 challenges us to run with endurance the race, the mission, the assignment set before us while keeping our eyes on Jesus. Jesus endured the cross for the joy that was set before Him. What was the joy placed before Him? What did Jesus see beyond the pain of the cross? He saw His purpose. I believe He saw a sanctified bride, millions of people in love with Him, the Father, and the Spirit (Revelation 19:7-8). We can endure the grief of the loss of a spouse, a child, a parent, when we see His purpose for us to remain. The pain will lessen, the grief will subside, joy will return as we live in His purpose.

There are times life is hard, and I would rather be with my wife in heaven, but then I confess I have His purpose to remain, to be His and serve Him until He calls me home and says “Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter the eternal joy of My kingdom.”   

3 Truths: Release the Past

One-year anniversary of my wife’s homegoing to heaven 8/5/25-8/5/26.

T1: Release the past and move forward.

The Scripture for Truth 1: Philippians 3:13-14: I take Paul out of context and use this as a principle: Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. If we want to move forward toward the goal (perfection or completeness in Christ) then we need to forget what lies behind in the past.

“Forget the past and move forward” meant moving out of the house and neighborhood where I took care of Sandie for 3 years. I call it “moving out and moving on”. When she crashed our car into her doctor’s Porsche, I knew she couldn’t drive anymore. We moved from Memphis to Dallas to be close to our son. During those 3 years I took her to Rock Steady Boxing, church, doctors, neurologists, healing services, and hospice care. For the last year of her life she was in hospice care, lying in a hospital bed next to me. (The Lord forced to move out and on when the owner of the house decided to sell it.) Why was moving out important? It was separation from the past and a move forward into a new life. I needed to move out and move on into a new life without her.

“Forget the past” really means release it. At the hospice memorial service for all the patients who died in 2025, we released butterflies. My butterfly had difficulty flying when it was released. It fell; it did not fly up and away. After some help it fluttered away, free at last. Moving beyond loss and grief is like that.

Don’t hold on so tightly that you cannot move forward. Don’t let the past hold you back. I will never forget Sandie. I look at our pictures together and say, “I wish you were here with me, or I was there with you,” but feel only slight pain of loss and a whisper of grief. Then I give thanks she is safe in heaven. However, I am reducing photo albums. I keep only a few photos and three albums. I have pictures and videos on my phone I should delete so I can move forward. (I have a video of All Texas Cremation taking her body away. Delete it?) I have a VHS video of our wedding in 8/15/1987. I may digitize it, but I like the scratchy VHS quality because it looks old and reminds me we were married a long time ago before cell phones existed. I only watch it once a year on our anniversary.

“Forget the past” means I will not allow bitterness, resentment, fear, or unfulfilled dreams of growing old together keep me from experiencing the new life the Lord has for me. I’m still in this world. The Lord has a purpose for me. I will live it for His glory.

Hebrews 12:1-2: Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with patient endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Cut loose the weight of the past and run with patient endurance the race Jesus has set before you. The “weight of the past” is any burden or impediment that would keep you from moving forward in the Lord’s plan: grief, guilt, anger, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, or any sinful attitude or behavior. I was bitter and angry toward God who controls life and death, who took my “soul mate” and crushed the dream of growing old together and having “mom” involved in the lives of our children. She was the key relational link with our children. She did not get to see her grandchild.

Cutting loose the weight of the past releases the freedom of the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:17: Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

Second and Third Blessings of a Progressive, Incurable, Terminal Disease

Second blessing is that it is progressive. A progressive disease gives the patient and caregiver time to draw close to the Lord and experience His presence. The disease slowly disabled Sandie without pain. That’s mercy. I got to love and care for her every day. When Sandie became confined to a hospital bed, we watched Christian movies at night and “attended” Sunday worship at several churches from home.  I think a progressive disease with hospice care would be better than dying in an accident. As a chaplain I have dealt with husbands and wives shocked by the unexpected cardiac death of their spouses. An expected death is less traumatic than an unexpected accidental death. So, when I’m called to the ICU or ED for a death one of my first questions for the living spouse is “Was this expected or unexpected?” Grief is still real, but with Sandie’s progressive disease I went through the stages of grief several times during her final year in hospice. I was beside her the moment she breathed her last breath and it felt like painful relief. Pain from the grief, but relief that the struggle was over.

Third, the progressive nature of her disease made it a sanctifying experience for me.  Jesus gave me Sandie to sanctify me. “Every affliction comes with a message from the heart of God.” The message is sanctification. I struggled to accept and fully utilize the adversity for my growth in agape love. My sinfulness was revealed many times when I was impatient and angry. (I bear a keloid scar that reminds me of my sinfulness.) My growth in agape love was revealed when I was patient and kind as described in1 Corinthians 13. But I sometimes argued with the Lord: “If Sandie’s disease is about perfecting me, sanctifying my soul, then it isn’t fair. Why should she suffer to make me more in Your image?” – I now know the answer to my complaint: because I loved her. It’s all about agape love. The Lord used the wife I loved to show me my sin and perfect me in His love. “I’m afflicting the person you love to teach you about My love” doesn’t seem fair, but the Lord’s purpose is growth in agape love for the patient and caregiver.

Missing Sandie: Weeping

Grief is like a rollercoaster. I am crying and laughing at the same time. One minute I’m weeping and the next I’m rejoicing. The rejoicing comes from a secure HOPE. 1 Thessalonians 4:13: But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

Grief needs weeping. Weeping is necessary. Jesus wept with weeping friends (John 11). Weeping is to grief as a vent is to a pressure cooker. Weeping releases the loss and pain of grief. It is healing for the soul and even the body.

Weeping is unpredictable. I am an “on call” night chaplain. When someone dies between 5pm-8am I am “called back” to the hospital. Five days after Sandie went to heaven I was called to the hospital (8/10). I met with the family of the deceased patient and talked with the NOK. I asked if she was present when her mother died, the moment her mother’s spirit left her body. She was. I shared my experience of being with my wife when she died five days ago and how I saw her spirit leave her body. I started weeping! Then all the family members in the room were weeping.

We all wept together. Romans 12:15: Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

I don’t know when I will weep. Something will trigger the tears; a picture, a memory, a song, another person’s grief at his/her loss. I wept 3 months before Sandie died. I was driving around Big Bend NP while taking a respite from caregiving listening to satellite radio and John Denver’s Annie’s Song came on. I sang it and wept; it was “Sandie’s Song” for me. When the weeping is triggered, just let the tears flow. Don’t be embarrassed or try to “be strong”. Open the vent and let the pressure be released in tears.

Weeping is an expression of love. John 11:35-36: Jesus wept. So the Jews were saying, “See how He loved him!”  Love weeps.