Anger at God

I’m angry. I’m angry with God. I’m angry with God and it comes from emotional pain. It’s the pain I feel when I see what a degenerative brain disease has done to my beautiful wife. We’ve been married 36 years. I wanted us to grow old together and be as healthy as people in their 60s can expect to be. I want my wife back with all her energy, charms, and beauty. God is taking her away and I’m angry.

I’ve been impatient and angry at my wife for the loss of her abilities. I’ve used some demeaning terms when I’m impatient and angry. I know my wife doesn’t want the disease she has. She doesn’t do things to make me angry. She has lost her fine-motor skills and needs help with almost everything, eating, brushing teeth, sitting down, sitting on the toilet, cleaning herself, putting on clothes, even speaking and being understood. I said to myself, “Why am I angry with her. It’s a brain disease. She can’t help it. She doesn’t want it. She cries when praying to God.” Then I realized I was really angry at God. We’ve prayed for healing. We’ve been to healing services. We’ve believed the promises with faith. No answer. At least no visible healing. Why is God doing this to her? Or why is God allowing it. The seeds of this brain disease must have been in her DNA when she was conceived, and God is allowing it to do what it’s doing. He hasn’t done anything to heal it. It really doesn’t make a difference if God does it or allows it. It’s the same result. There may be a difference in motive. If God does it, then He’s cruel. If God allows it, then He appears to be cruel but may have a good purpose. God may have a redemptive purpose for allowing it, but I cannot see it now.

I continue to ask “Why?” waiting for an answer.